But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here-the extraordinary rent you have to pay as long as you stay.
-Annie Dillard

Re-reading Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. I am going through some mid-life existential thoughtfulness. A paradigm shift-thanks Dave Hebert-of what is important. No more guilt about staying home with my kids-no more stress about finishing the house-Enjoying my time with Steve-I am recognizing that this time is so sacred so special. I can't talk about doing things with people I love some other time. Now is the time. I am making plans to laugh and love and see and spend time with...watch out!

I think it is the impending entry of Ella into Kindergarten. All day, every day...she is entering some world where I lose presence, where I lose sight and insight into what she is doing day in and day out. Where she starts establishing connections that have nothing to do with me. That are all hers. thank god. But still...

See...I am going through something...It makes me grumpy, it makes me happy, it makes me sad, but hopefully in the end I will have loved the best that I could.